There Is No Certainty – Get Over It

“It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much.” – Yogi Berra

I hate small talk. I do. There I’ve said it. On the other hand I like good conversation. Love it. Seldom get it but then it’s probably my own fault. People just seem to want to get to closure. Win an argument. They want certainty. They don’t want the debate. Conversations demand openness but with enough principles to ensure everyone involved stays fair.

“Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.” – Mark Twain

Theoretical Physicist Carlo Rovelli once importantly stated that “Certainty is not only something of no use, but is in fact damaging especially if we value reliability.” And I would add that those who enter conversations with their own certainty come out without learning a damn thing and pissing off everyone in the process.

The very idea of conversation is to keep the door open to possibility.

Precisely because we speak to one another we are able to marinade in the discussion – it’s safe to question everything, learn something and test our own premises. Thus we are always ready to improve our ability to be smarter and refine our knowledge. A good conversationalist is never closed to opportunity and never ‘certain’.

Of that I’m certain.

“Lack of a fixed nature of things is precisely what makes conclusions more reliable than the conclusions of those who are certain. Because the good conversationalist will be ready to shift to a different point of view as better and elements of evidence, or novel arguments emerge through the disclosure of conversation.”

The 15 Laws Of Conversational Excellence

1. Remain Fluid: Conversations don’t strive for certainty. Things emerge so leave bias and judgement at the door.
2. Know Your Audience: Conversations are easier and more valuable when you find out a few things about the people that are going to be involved. Set up for success and be prepared.
3. Understand The Intention & Expectation: Getting a context up quickly (about what you are going to be discussing) will better inform everyone’s reaction. The understanding will increase more quickly as the conversations evolve.
4. Develop A Mechanic For The Conversation: Create common ways to have conversations. Ensure that they are meaningful and that they will resonate with everyone.
5. Ask Open Questions: Ask questions so that others can talk about things (that are important to them) Make that at the heart of how you work to ensure that valuable conversations and engagement emerge.
6. Enjoy Silences: Use pauses to evolve into further conversation.
7. Create Common Definitions: Identify the important things and create common language that everyone shares.
8. Pick Up On Passion: People really like having a chance to discuss their passions or their area and expertise. Let them and encourage it with the context agreed.
9. Supplementary Questions: Ask many questions for clarification. Always take the opportunity to improve understanding and learn more – especially by using open-ended questions.
10. Offer An Open Invitation To Drive Inspiration: All invitations to contribute are brought about through questions designed to build energy and motivation. This sustains interest and passion for the direction – inspired engagement.
11. Actively Listen: Real listening means that new and better questions can emerge naturally. The act informs and then activates the thinking process. That in turn ensures deeper relationship and engagement by everyone.
12. Get Out Of The Way: Don’t obstruct conversation by just speaking without adding value – create a safe space and help.
13. Voice Disagreement With Respect: When stating a difference of opinion always acknowledge common ground before disagreeing. Omit the word ‘but’ from your vocabulary.
14. Remain As Impartial As You Can: Never manipulate the discussion to serve your own agenda. Never use a conversation as a way to boost your ego or position.
15. Know when the conversation has ended.